Movie Love: Oscars 2018

old film cameraThe Oscars did not disappoint last night. Even though I live in such a rural area that I still haven’t had a chance to see any of the films discussed last night, I still enjoyed the pageantry and political points made. Why? Because I love the genre of film. After almost 60 years of going to movies, I love the escapism offered more than ever! Dissolving into a totally different world for a few hours where my problems don’t count and others face much bigger dilemmas, that is magic!

Now more than ever I see why certain films feed my imagination and make life seem good.

moulin rougeJust this week I saw “Moulin Rouge!” for the fifth time and realized immediately why it speaks to me. The story is that of a writer writing about love, one of my favorite topics. The setting is so foreign and yet fascinating to me, and the heroine has tuberculosis so she cannot breathe, something I struggle with daily. And the music! And Ewan McGregor! Don’t get me started…

I see now I have a true fascination with the late 1800s/early 1900s, the gilded age. I happened to see “Victoria & Abdul” this week too. What a wonderfully honest film about the racism and absurdities of British court life. Court life viewed through the eyes of a couple of Indian clerks is fantastic, and of course Judi Dench is divine in this role! Don’t miss it!

There are truly so many films since childhood that have educated me while improving my life experience. Has anyone out there seen “A Thousand Clowns” from 1965? What amazing writing and acting! It feels more like watching a play, and with characters like Jason Robard playing his unique anti-establishment role? Marvelous!

“Oh my God, I’ve been attacked by the Ladies’s Home Journal!”

There was one great line in the Oscar show last night that really stuck with me:

Film: A machine that allows us to experience empathy… So true!

Divorce: The Loss of the Dream

I received so many heart-felt responses to my recent post about the many reasons and ways that we grieve. One really hit home. Writer and member of Women of Midlife, Carla Birnberg, told how the grief from divorce “hits me in waves at odd times and often in public places.” This brought back memories of how I struggled with my own divorce in the early 2000s, so I decided to share this essay:

Divorce: The Loss of the Dream:

Sad to say, I find myself to be a bit of an expert on divorce.  It certainly wasn’t my intention to know so much about it, but there it is.  The first thing I learned from my own experience and talking with hundreds of others is that divorce is always traumatic. 

When my husband of six years and I decided to call it quits back in the year 2000, we went about it in the most civilized and ‘adult’ way.  We both agreed that we were making each other miserable, we had tried various counselors, and we were simply too different in our goals and interests to stay together.  In other words, it was a purely rational decision. Unfortunately, my emotions didn’t agree.  While it seemed easy for my soon-to-be-ex to cruise through this difficult time in our lives, I was crushed and temporarily emotionally disabled.  I felt like the biggest failure in the history of womankind and his apparent inability to feel anything, just made things worse.

I quickly launched into a mid-life crisis of astronomical proportions, asking myself all the tough questions.  Why can’t I ‘do’ marriage?  What is it about me that makes me unable to be with others emotionally?  Do I have to live alone forever?  Why doesn’t love last?

As luck would have it, I lost my job just two years after the separation and divorce, intensifying the depth and drama of my ongoing mid-life crisis. Then I began to ask myself even more difficult questions like: What am I doing here? Will I ever find meaning in my life? How do I want the rest of my life to be different? I felt a strong need to understand the first half of my life, so as to make the second half better.

I got so wrapped up in this quest, I decided to start my own dating service to explore the simple question, “Do I still believe in love?” while helping other recent divorcees with their own explorations. Although it wasn’t a conscious choice at the time, it turned out to be the best therapy for understanding my own feelings about love and rejection.

Lessons learned from divorce

love in ChineseFirst of all I learned that I most certainly was not alone in my disillusionment with love.  There are millions of us who don’t know how we feel about love and relationships.  Interviewing scores of disillusioned divorcees showed me that we all have a lot to learn. 

It became clear to me that we can learn a lot more about a person by divorcing them, than we could ever learn by staying married to them.  When we are married, we are always “playing nice” to some extent. We still have a lot invested in the relationship and its future. When divorce becomes real, and it takes varying amounts of time for each of us to register this disturbing reality, the gloves come off and we become more honest with our soon-to-be-ex.

There is no more relationship to protect so we naturally begin protecting ourselves and our own interests. In short, we say what we’ve been thinking all along!  

How to Believe in Love Again! blog sizeA singles workshop I offered to my dating clients provided a moment of awakening and clarity for me. We were involved in a discussion about the distance between the simple rational reality of divorce, the total ambivalence we may feel towards our ex, and yet the contradictory deep emotional emptiness that can ensue after it all sinks in. A short, elderly gentleman who looked a bit like Sigmund Freud and spoke with a heavy German accent stood up and said, “Divorce is not about the loss of a relationship, it’s about the loss of the dream.” Truer words were never spoken.  I had not only lost a significant human connection in my life, but, more importantly, I had lost all faith in love and the beauty it can bring to an otherwise difficult existence.

For what is life, if we fear that we will never feel true love again?

I knew then that I had to get busy and turn my heart around. I needed to find a way to believe in love again. In my case, this wasn’t an easy assignment, but I took all the necessary steps and love did return, so much better than I could ever have imagined!

This essay appears in my first book “Midlife Magic: Becoming The Person You Are Inside.” Please let me know if you would like to purchase this or any of my books direct from me for a great price!   MidlifeCrisisQueen@ gmail.com

Grief comes in many forms…

Grief the price of love

My last post about misfortune and friendships turned out to be somewhat controversial, at least to some. Putting my anger so obviously on display can be seen as weakness. After all, aren’t we supposed to get beyond that sort of thing as we age? Can’t we turn our anger into compassion for ourselves and others?

I like to think we can, but not immediately. A loving friend, who knows of what she speaks, observed yesterday that my response to my own failing health is so normal and so a part of “The 5 Stages of Grieving.” Yes, grieving is not just about losing a loved one. It can also be about losing a belief that sustains you. In my case I lost my illusion that my body is strong and healthy, and somehow immune to the millions of accidents and other misfortunes that life can throw at me.

It has been so confusing to me to be angry that I even caught this disgusting infection, while not blaming those who refuse to be around me because of it. I so understand their fear of contracting it. It’s the worst! But where do my feelings figure into this discussion?

My husband Mike is an interesting person to talk to about illness and friendships. He lost friends when he somehow contracted Myalgic encephalomyelitis / Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) at age 35 in the early 1990s. He had no idea what he had at first and either did most doctors. They would do lots of tests, and when they couldn’t figure out a proper diagnosis, they took to blaming him or his depression. His friends also had no idea how to react and some just decided to vaporize, but the hardcore ones remained for decades by his side. Of course he of all people understands fear of illness, but he also had no interest in looking up those who vaporized when he was very sick.

Mike has grieved for years over the loss of his high level of health before he suddenly became ill in his 30s. He has also developed an amazing level of compassion for those who struggle with illness, pain and frailty. He does not seem to judge anyone. He just understands.

grief and learning to swim

I will continue to deal with my own losses day by day. I do feel sorry for myself sometimes, and when I do I remember one of my favorite lines from an incredible therapist I saw for five years in my 30s:

“At least when you are feeling sorry for yourself, you are feeling something for yourself.”

Life lessons learned from illness & injury

I have spent most of my life feeling quite good, no serious illnesses or injuries until age 53. Then one sunny May morning I went out for a leisurely bike ride around my neighborhood and ended up unconscious on the ground with a traumatic brain injury, fractured ribs and contusions all over my body. Healing took months and certain parts would never be the same again, especially my brain.

LESSON #1: Most people have no idea how to react to or respond to life-threatening injuries. No, an e-mail or text doesn’t cut it, and phone calls don’t work well with brain injury patients.

Life went on with significant brain challenges for the next nine years, until I received an unexpected diagnosis. I had great difficulty breathing and asthma. 

LESSON #2: Friends and acquaintances who presently have no known illness, may feel lucky or even superior. You poor schmuck. They may also look for reasons why this could never happen to them. (You smoked right? NO!)

My most recent unfortunate illness was most revealing in terms of friendship. I acquired a horrible and easily transmittable infection last October. Granted it is communicable and I would not want even my worst enemy to contract it, BUT there is nothing so depressing as feeling extremely ill and TOXIC at the same time. That’s when I learned:

LESSON #3: Serious illness is perhaps the only way to find out who really cares about you, and who does not.

The thing I find most interesting about those out there who feel superior to those who are suffering, is that we all will experience some sort of serious illness or injury someday, because we all will die of something. It’s just a matter of time…

Ram Dass Walking each other home

Medical Cannabis, Seizures & Colorado Research

CBD oil what is itOne thing that continues to increase, since we moved to southern Colorado, is the number of families who move here to be able to properly medicate their children who suffer from severe seizures. Imagine having to make the choice between a good job and the health of your child. That is what our government is asking from these parents. Some move down here because it is so inexpensive to rent or buy a home here, compared to the cities up north.

I have to admire Alexis Bortell, a 12-year-old girl who is spearheading a campaign to legalize medical cannabis across our country. She and her family had no choice but to move from Texas to Colorado to find adequate treatment for her severe epilepsy. Now, her family and a handful of others are suing Attorney General Jeff Sessions and the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA), demanding “cannabis for the treatment of their illnesses, diseases and medical conditions.” Ever since Alexis began her cannabis treatment, she has been seizure-free for 974 days.

Data from the Epilepsy Foundation:

Does cannabis help seizures?

Evidence from laboratory studies, anecdotal reports, and small clinical studies from a number of years ago suggest that cannabidiol, a non-psychoactive compound of cannabis, could potentially be helpful in controlling seizures. Conducting studies can be difficult as researchers have limited access to marijuana due to federal regulations and even more limited access to cannabidiol; there are also increased financial and time constraints.

Cannabidiol (CBD)

Open-label studies in the U.S. of Epidiolex (a drug derived from cannabidiol or CBD) are being performed. Epidiolex is a purified, 99% oil-based CBD extract from the cannabis plant and is produced by GW Pharmaceuticals to give known and consistent amounts in each dose. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has given some epilepsy centers permission to use this drug as “compassionate use” for a limited number of people at each center.

Recently, gold-standard studies (double-blind, placebo-controlled studies) have finished for difficult epilepsies such as Lennox-Gastaut syndrome (LGS) in children and adults and Dravet syndrome in children. Information from these studies has been presented at major scientific meetings and in press releases by GW Pharmaceuticals.

Results from 214 people who received Epidiolex (99% CBD) in an open-label study (without a placebo control) and who completed 12 weeks or more on the drug were published in Lancet Neurology.

Enter Sangre AgroTech

The most exciting development for Huerfano County, our “orphan” county with around 6,000 souls, has been in the tiny town of La Veta Colorado.  WEED, Inc. announced this past July, that it recently acquired Sangre AT, LLC (dba “Sangre AgroTech”), with plans to open a Sangre Bioscience Center, investing over $1,000,000 into the Colorado Medicinal Cannabis Industry.

Sangre AgroTech then chose La Veta for their new research facility whose mission is:   “To create a genomics-based Cannabis breeding program that will produce new, genetically-enhanced strains of Cannabis which express the desired plant characteristics for the treatment of disease…”

“At Sangre AgroTech, we are focused on the development and application of cannabis-derived compounds for the treatment of human disease. Targeting cannabis-derived molecules which stimulate the endocannabinoid system, we are developing the required scientifically-valid and evidence-based cannabis strains for the production of disease-specific medicines. Yes, medicines.” 

Cannabis in Colorado History & Boomers’ Cannabis Use Patterns

MJ weedColorado is the home of legal medical and recreational cannabis, and come to find out,  we have history with this stuff. When Colorado became a state back in 1876, both hemp and cannabis could be grown legally, and they stayed that way for decades. By the late 1800s, cannabis oil was a common ingredient in medical tinctures. Asian-style hashish dens were common in larger cities like New York and San Francisco. Increasing popularity led to concerns that hashish would lead to mass addiction, and in 1906 the federal government imposed the first regulation on cannabis intended for consumption: A product simply had to be labeled if it contained the herb.

Between 1915 and 1917, Wyoming, Utah and Nevada all banned cannabis, and in March 1917, Colorado legislators made the use and cultivation of cannabis a misdemeanor. Those who broke the law were subject to a fine up to $10 and a month in jail, part of the growing national temperance movement that led to Prohibition in 1920.

On November 7, 2000, 54% of Colorado voters to approve the use of marijuana in the state for patients with written medical consent. Under this law, patients could possess up to 2 ounces of medical marijuana and cultivate no more than six plants.

Conditions recognized for medical use include: cachexiacancerchronic pain; chronic nervous system disordersepilepsy and other disorders characterized by seizuresglaucomaHIV or AIDSmultiple sclerosis and other disorders characterized by muscle spasticity; and nausea. Patients could not use cannabis in public places, or in any manner which might endanger others including operating a vehicle or machinery after medicating.

Since the enactment of Colorado Amendment 64 in November 2012, adults aged 21 or older can grow up to six marijuana plants privately in a locked space and legally possess all marijuana from the plants they grow, and possess up to one ounce of marijuana while traveling,

Since 2012, Colorado sales of cannabis have been staggering! Since legalization, Cannabis sales have topped 13 billion, with 4.5 billion just in 2017. Tax data shows close to 22 million collected just in 2017.

Boomers and Cannabis Use

cannabis budIf you remember the 60s you weren’t there…

According to the most recent iteration of the 40-year-long “Monitoring the Future” study from the University of Michigan, 85 percent of Americans 50 plus have used illegal drugs, including marijuana, in their lifetimes.

Since 2006, marijuana use has increased significantly among adult Americans age 50 plus. A decade ago, roughly 4.5 percent of people ages 50 to 64, and 0.4 percent of seniors above age 65 had used marijuana in the past year. By 2013, those numbers had increased to 7.1 percent and 1.4 percent, respectively. In percentage terms, marijuana use among 50- to 64-year-olds increased by 57.8 percent, while among seniors ages 65 and up, it ballooned by 250 percent.

This study, based on over 45,000 responses to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, isn’t the first to note that marijuana use is increasing rapidly among older adults. But it digs more deeply into the demographics of older Americans’ marijuana use, uncovering some interesting findings. For example European-Americans and African-Americans are much more likely to indulge in cannabis than Latinos. Low-income and married Americans are more likely to partake than separated or divorced, but single or widowed Americans use cannabis the most.

Many 50+ Americans are using cannabis to deal with mental health issues. Among those 50 and older, people who have suffered with depression or anxiety in the past year are much more likely to use cannabis medically. A number of studies have shown a link between marijuana use and mental disorders. Given the widespread prevalence of medical marijuana laws, some seniors may be turning to cannabis as an alternative treatment for the ailments of old age.

One study found that Medicare reimbursements for a number of common prescription medications dropped sharply after the introduction of medical marijuana laws. 

Medical or not, it’s clear that the rise in cannabis use among older adults is driven by the aging of the baby-boom generation, who dabbled extensively with cannabis in their youth and may be returning to it in old age for a variety of reasons.

Let’s face it. Most Boomers are different in their views of cannabis use compared to the generation before them, and since there are still plenty of boomers under 65, this trend toward increased use in old age is likely to continue into the future.

It is important to note that in some countries, like Israel, medical use of cannabis is considered standard treatment. Medical marijuana use has been permitted in Israel since the early 1990s for cancer patients and others with pain-related illnesses such as Parkinson’s, multiple sclerosis, Crohn’s Disease, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Patients can smoke cannabis, ingest it in liquid and caplet form, or apply it to the skin as a balm.