Observing two different dementia experiences

I just realized yesterday that in the past few years my sister and I have been witnessing two different dementia experiences up-close and personal. Since my father’s death in March 2020, both our mother and our brother have been slowly losing touch with reality. While my sister has taken care of our mother in a “quality” assisted living facility in Denver, Mike and I have been doing our best to assist my brother in a small rural town in southern Colorado. Another aspect of these different experiences is that my mother has retirement funds to spend on her care, while my brother receives all of his care through us, Medicare, and Medicaid.

Our brother John, Christmas 2021

The experience I am most familiar with is that of my brother. He came here at the end 2020 from a lean-to he had been living in near Oak Creek north of Sedona for a number of years. He knew he could no longer live that life with no assistance if he needed it. He had a few health problems then, but he was generally doing well. Since then he has started on supplemental oxygen and various other drugs and supplements. Only in the past year of so has he begun complaining constantly of “total brain fog” and terrible memory lapses.

Our mother (on right) at my father’s 90th birthday party, February 2019

Since our Dad died in 2020, right before the “COVID years,” Mom was forced to live alone for a while. She entered assisted living two years ago as her memory continued to fail her. Hers seems to be more like classic Alzheimer’s disease with gradual memory loss. She no longer cares how she looks or what she wears, and only occasionally reflects on her many losses. However, she is still quite aware that her memory is failing her. This really is the long goodbye for us…

Luckily my sister and I have each other and our husbands to share our concerns and losses, but it is still quite a challenge to watch our family fall apart before our eyes. As my sister says, with her decades of experience in the fields of long term care and gerontology,

“Everyone tells you that aging is tough, but you don’t really get it until it happens to you…”

Rewilding, some positive nature news at last!

If you tire of hearing ever more negative news about how we humans continue to pollute and destroy the earth we depend on for life itself, try watching this five minute story from this week’s CBS Sunday Morning. Trust me, you will be glad you did!

Rewilding: Letting nature take over

Rewilding is a progressive approach to conservation. It’s about letting nature take care of itself, enabling natural processes to shape land and sea, repair damaged ecosystems and restore degraded landscapes. Through rewilding, wildlife’s natural rhythms create wilder, more biodiverse habitats.

By growing native, drought-tolerate plants here, we have encouraged the return of wildlife, birds, bees, etc.

This idea/story offered me a sign of relief, showing me that sometimes nature wins in a great win-win way for people too. This is what my late father was always talking about, letting nature take over, because she did a great job up until now! This is also what we have tried to do on our own three acres in southern Colorado. I just do not comprehend those who buy land in the country and begin mowing the crap out of it immediately. We hated “yard work” when we lived in suburbia, and guess what, all the birds and bees and other wildlife there also could not tolerate it. They need biodiversity to thrive. Rewilding is a form of ecological restoration aimed at increasing biodiversity and restoring natural processes to the land.

Why is it so hard for man to simply leave nature alone to take care of itself? Why are we so convinced that we need to “improve” it? We as a species must learn the answer to this question before we “improve” ourselves into complete extinction.

The Loss of a Precious Pet

Rasta was my Christmas present in 2008…what a cutie pup!

We lost our precious Rasta pup this week. After a couple of weeks of trying to avoid reality, we found we had to accept that his quality of life had taken a brutal turn for the worse, with the loss of his other eye to glaucoma and a stroke. He was 14 and a half and had one of the best lives a pet could have. He was loved and appreciated his whole life.

“The cutest puppy in the history of the world!” to quote our friend Rad

I have not had much direct experience with death in my life. Yes, I have avoided it, I must admit. Mike didn’t have that luxury as his beloved mother died at an early age. There has been a touch of non-reality to death in my life, even though I have lost pets before. Unfortunately, Mike had to deal with the actual physical body for us. Our vet comes out to your car and puts your pet to sleep in your arms. I will never forget the shot to his heart. Then Mike prepared him for burial and buried him on our land, in a place that is not physically accessible for me.

Here are a few personal observations about loss and grieving from my perspective:

There is a certain non-reality to death. They were here and now they’re just gone.

I feel extreme sadness and yet I know that Rasta is better off not suffering anymore.

We removed the obvious reminders of his life around us and yet I still look for him constantly, miss his greeting when I come into our home, save delicious leftovers for him, and talk to him. I can’t get out much anymore. He was my constant companion.

There are so many TV commercials for pet food, etc. making it abundantly clear that pets have become our new version of children…

We should not make any comparisons about how we each suffer loss and grieve. Everyone feels pain and loss differently and it can bring up difficult previous memories of loss and pain. We all grieve in our own way.

This kind of pain leaves me searching for any type of escape or distraction from the loss. Just to forget this loss temporarily feels like a blessing.

Goodbye Rasta. Rest in Peace. We loved you so very much!

A Tour of My CO Sky Garden, End of June 2023

I haven’t been out to my garden lately because of a painful hip and various illnesses in our family. But this morning was glorious, with temperatures in the 60s and great light, so I took a walk around and this is what I found.

First I noticed the loveliness of the East Spanish Peak, with a sash of wispy clouds around it.

Then I was drawn to my center piece of golden yarrow and those Rocky Mountain Penstemon who survived the deer that ate most of them in early spring.

Behind and to the right is my Buddha decorated with native Showy Four O’Clocks and Catmint. I still have a yellow Coreopsis that should be coming in soon to the left of Buddha, if the others leave enough room!

My yarrow and lavender plants are coming along well…

My yellow Columbine is almost finished blooming. Now it’s spreading its seed for next year…

My favorite time of year in my garden!

We had a quiet time celebrating the solstice this June. Our loving pup Rasta is now almost completely blind. Glaucoma just took his other eye this week 😦

Finding the Strength to Let Go of Self

I believe our lives are a process of finding and confronting our true Self, and then slowly letting go of it as we age. Some might prefer the word ego in this scenario. I have had this message on my wall for decades:

What is the ego or sense of Self?

ego: a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance, the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for a sense of personal identity.

The way I relate to my sense of Self is to know that as a child and young adult my ‘job’ was to develop my sense of who I was inside, what did I think and value? How should I treat others? How did others see me? This naturally leads to a strong sense of self-consciousness, sometimes painfully so. Then came the time to figure out what I planned to do in the world. How did I hope to change my world? These are the purposes of young adulthood up until our forties or so.

Developing a strong sense of self or ego is a good and necessary part of being human. There is nothing wrong with having a strong ego, but it needs to be regulated. Problems arise when ego affects your decision making process, turning you into a victim, or when it makes you feel superior to others in order to justify your bad behavior. A toxic ego is one that does not learn from bad behavior, but instead blames others, often descending into negativity, resentment, and even violence.

For the past twenty years, my spiritual path has been that of the second part of life. I have been searching for the strength to let go of self. A part of this process is simply getting comfortable with self compassion and death. Although we might think we have a strong sense of self when we are younger, if we are very honest we may find much self-criticism inside. This is all a part of the ego. Like we really did have the power to change any part of our world…

Being close to nature is your best path to realizing your place in the history of time. Please note, there are no other animals or plants that believe they are changing the world. There are no other beings that fear death. They know what their part is, to be born, to live and then die. I have found a gradual process of getting used to the idea of death is the best path for me. At first is was so hard to be with so I would push it away and deny its power. Since I started facing some powerful signs that I won’t be around forever (lung disease and brain injuries) in the past few years, my acceptance has grown like my garden outside my door, bright and beautiful.