“Promising Young Woman” Subtle Genius!

WOW! I just finished watching “Promising Young Woman” and it left me with a thousand different reactions at once. I was most impressed with its subtlety, defined on Goggle as “delicately complex and understated”, or “so delicate or precise as to be difficult to analyze or describe.” I should also mention the script and the visuals, beautifully imagined and constructed!

Best to begin watching this film with no underlying expectations. Don’t fear it or try to analyze it, just open yourself to experiencing it fully. You are about to experience what all films aspire to give their viewing audience, a surprising and unpredictable story which mixes the horrible with the hilarious into a vision of common societal biases and judgments. Underneath is all, this is a movie about sexual consent and freedom. How does our society define that? How do you define that, and how much is too much? Can we defend ourselves from culpability because we were so young or so drunk? Is it OK to just watch, but not take part in rape? Are college men who drink too much “just having fun” while college women, “asking for it?”

I find this film to be a powerful invitation to look inside and witness some of your own biases in this arena. I like to think most of the women who watch this will feel the rage of Cassie, and then look at what outlets they have found for that kind of deep rage. Please don’t let it descend into self-hatred. I wish all college kids could see this and then have a healthy discussion on this topic. Rape is so not about men versus women, but about severe anger and control issues.

Cruelty is never OK.

Amy Tan: Unintended Memoir on PBS

Writing is an extreme privilege but it’s also a gift. It’s a gift to yourself and it’s a gift of giving a story to someone.” – Amy Tan

My fellow writers:

I hope none of you missed this incredibly personal and touching “American Experience” on PBS last night entitled, Amy Tan: Unintended Memoir. This piece was so beautifully put together, combining Amy’s own photos from her past, her intimate recollections, with talks she has given about her stormy relationship with her mother. Words fail to describe the gorgeousness and truth to be found in this two hour special.

Her delicate storytelling and truth-telling is at once fierce and so very sensitive to the human condition we all face, especially that of women. I was glued to my seat from the very beginning and could not move. She is my hero! I feel like I now need to go and re-read all of her books and especially her new memoir, “Where the Past Begins” from 2017.

Amy Tan: Unintended Memoir on PBS, premiere May 3rd 2021

My dream: Welcoming new residents to this area!

Since moving to the Walsenburg-La Veta area in the summer of 2014, I have held a dream. Long ago I read the novel “The Significance of All Things” by Elizabeth Gilbert (a marvelous read!) about a girl raised by a shipping magnet and captain, who invited the interesting people he met all over the world to his home in Philadelphia for a type of ‘salon’ experience. I loved that idea! So when my previous blog “Midlife Crisis Queen” crashed in 2014, I started this one, with the purpose of informing others who might be considering a move to this area. I didn’t want others to experience what I did here, a lack of friendly folks when they got here. I thought, why not offer friendship? Moving to a new rural area can be quite intimidating for some.

As usual, it was a good idea, but it took quite a while to come to fruition. Now this spring I have welcomed three very interesting and excited couples who have moved here, or are working up to it. The most interesting coincidence has been that Mike and I share so many common interests with these newcomers! They are counselors, engineers, artists and writers, all excited about making this area their new home. They have their own visions of music festivals and writing groups, etc.

For me this is my best, recent example of the power of holding a vision until it emerges on its own power. I fully believe now that what we focus on grows, so I try to keep my focus on positive possibilities in my future. Intelligent, interesting newcomers are arriving first on my e-mail and then at my door. Such an exciting new development! I will do what I can to make their transition a little less traumatic because that’s what I do and that is who I am… Now I have a vision of a garden party with great music, food and entertainment out on our patio, welcoming newcomers from everywhere 🙂

“What do we live for if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?” – George Eliot

Aging makes me so angry!

I was finally ready yesterday to take an honest look at my feelings from my last visit to see my Mom in Denver. When we first arrived there, my brother went to take a nap because his lower back always hurts him. I sat down with my Mom and we had a lucid and serious discussion of many things. Even though it only went on for thirty minutes or so, she seemed completely there and asked a few truly revealing questions about my life, and I thought,

This is what I wish my relationship had always been with my Mom.”

It seemed relatively healthy and honest, but within just a few minutes she disappeared completely into remembering very little. The next few days were a confusion of her feeling anxious because she needed to ask every few minutes “What day is it?” and “What are we doing today?” I learned that she doesn’t eat well or take her pills on a regular schedule, etc.

How does that feel? I know it sounds irrational to say that aging makes me angry, but to watch someone I love slip away so very slowly, and to know that what I am losing is gone for good, is truly devastating. At first I felt angry, and as always, the sadness soon followed. My Mom will never be the Mom I remember from the past 65 years again. She is vanishing so slowly but permanently, and I can do nothing about that.

Neither one of my Mom’s parents lived as long as she has. Her Mom died in her mid-70s of cancer and her father lost it after that, dying at 81. I remember most my grandfather’s anger that his dutiful wife had abandoned him when he needed her most. He finally just gave up. So we really don’t know about dementia in her side of the family. She has outlived everyone in her family’s past.

Personally, I have experienced my share of “aging” in the past few years, where I have gone from a healthy 60 year old, who exercised regularly and never smoked, to someone on full-time oxygen. Yes, aging sucks! I have one gigantic constant reminder. Life on a tube is so frustrating. I guess I see now how so many of our elders end up angry and so sad all at once.

How many parents miss out on knowing their adult children well?

This is what I’ve been thinking about lately…

I see now that my own parents never bothered to get to know me as an adult. Perhaps they thought mistakenly that they knew me as their child, even though they barely knew me through adolescence. And the sad part is, now it is too late.

I know now that my Dad, who died this past March, did not know me at all. He thought I was not-so-smart, a very bad planner and certainly not ambitious. As it turns out his idea of ambition and mine were just quite different. Most unfortunately, my Dad, the well-known Colorado botanist, never appreciated my interest and skill with native plants. Mike overheard him comment in….

… my beginner garden back in March of 2018, “This is just going to be a bunch of weeds!”

He thought I had no idea what a native plant was, or how to grow them. Little did he know that I was already planning with Mike the terraced hardscaping of this slanted slope, and what would grow best here in terms of water needs, critters, etc. Yes, a few of my experiments have not worked out, but overall…

I am quite proud of the product of Mike, John Carter and my own burgeoning efforts! (June 2019)

And as far as my other ambitions go, I have always refused to see myself as a loser. My brother John and I are the first Carter generation of what I now call “spiritual seekers.” Making lots of money and receiving accolades from many was never in the plan.

Finding eventual spiritual peace with Self, others & nature was the plan.

Mom and me in 1985

This past Christmas with my mother was a revelation to me. As she slowly recedes into dementia, I now see she will never “know” me either. I am still her “little Laura Lee,” her youngest daughter. She loves to look at pictures of us together when I was a baby, her last one.

This leaves me wondering how often it is that parents invest the time to truly know how their kids turned out. Is it a fear that their children didn’t turn out so well, that keeps them from asking? Are they afraid it will seem too intrusive, like an invasion of privacy? Or do they just prefer not knowing.

Please don’t assume that you already know your child completely and stifle your impulse to truly know them on a deeper level while you are still around. Don’t assume you know them intimately. Ask them open ended questions like:

“What are you searching for in your life? What means the most to you right now?”

“Writers & Lovers” by Lily King, a review

Reading a novel is so personal, rather like watching a movie. We all relate to the story in different ways, depending on the various parallels between ourselves, the author’s life and the main character. My new favorite author is Lily King. Her life, her stories and my own life experiences coalesce in many interesting ways.

I already told you about her novel “Euphoria” ten days ago. This week I was lucky enough to be the first one to check out her new book from 2020: “Writers & Lovers” from the La Veta Public Library.

For me, this book is about the complexity and confusion of being an independent woman with goals and a dream, in a world where most are giving up their dreams as unrealistic. The main character, Casey, is a 31 year old writer who is as afraid of risking her dream of being a writer, as she is of falling in love. Along the way she provides what seems like casual, but enduring insights into counseling, dealing with the sudden death of her mother, and the mysteries of love.

Much like myself, Casey’s 31st year is particularly challenging, with the theme of “What am I supposed to be doing with my life?” If a woman does not follow the traditional path of marriage and children, what then? What if you are determined to follow your own unique path wherever that leads you?

“Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go…”  -T.S. Eliot

My 31st year was one of my most difficult. Like a dream, I still remember particularly well one afternoon driving through Denver on I-25, certain that my life had absolutely no meaning, but also certain that I would eventually find out why I was here. I had always dreamt of becoming a writer and yet I did not have the confidence or courage to pursue that dream yet.

Lily King on becoming a writer:

“Then I understood how hard it is to re-create in words what you see and feel in your head.” pg. 270, “Writers & Lovers”

Lily King on counseling:

“You don’t realize how much effort you’ve put into covering things up until you try to dig them out.” pg. 168

Lily King on breaking up:

“I don’t normally have to break up with anyone. Usually they do it for me, or I leave the state or the country. I don’t have to spell it out very often.” (pg. 291)

These quotes all reminded me of my turbulent 30s, and in turn showed me how grateful I am to be past all of that chaos. I am now ensconsed in such a beautiful, comfortable, safe place. Lucky me! Those turbulent times resulted in enduring love & happiness.