So here’s a lesson I have had to learn only about a million times. Anger is usually a front for avoiding feelings of deep sadness. At the joyful celebration of my Mom’s 90th birthday last week, I felt nothing but anger towards her. I hated the way she seemed to ignore her kids and give all of her attention to the other guests. I got so angry we left early…

When I got home I was still so mad I had to call an old friend for reassurance, because of course I felt guilty for being angry at my poor, confused mother. Then, a week or so later I saw something sad on TV and burst into tears. Deep, boundless melancholy engulfed me. First my favorite pet died and now my Mom and my brother will be leaving us soon. And to make things worse, no one in our medical system understands how to leave us in peace.

I took my brother to his doctor last week and all they can offer him is more ‘tests.” Someone who is close to death does not want or need more tests that are an hour away in Pueblo. He needs comfort and peace. I finally said to the doctor. “He isn’t getting better! How can we make him more comfortable?” So it looks like he may get more home services, which is good, but in the meantime they sent him to the ER yesterday for more tests.. You can probably see why I’m angry.

But underneath it all is just pure sadness. My big brother is dying and I want him to have peace as soon as possible, but I am so sad.